the hope of my life

This is just a random post..
the intensity of feelings are not reflected aptly by the limited vocabulary and expressions.

YOU ARE THE HOPE (by Sari S.)
bukan dengan kekuatanku (not by my own strength)
kudapat jalani hidupku (can i walk this life of mine)
tanpa tuhan yang disampingku (without god who's by my side)
ku tak mampu sendiri (i am not able to stand on my own)

engkaulah kuatku (you are my strength)
yang menopangku (who's holding me up)

ku pandang wajahmu dan berseru (i gaze at your face and shout)
pertolonganku datang darimu (my help comes from you)

peganglah tanganku, jangan lepaskan
(hold my hands, please don't ever let go)
kaulah harapan dalam hidupku (you are, the hope in my life)

this song speaks very clearly of the past few days in my life -
weak, unable to breakthrough on my own; frustrated, helpless..
limited, inadequate

God gave this song - He has never failed to provide something for me to hold on to each time i am down..
"without god by my side; i am not able to stand on my own. "

If it is not enough,
Pastor gave a word today - the verse that tells my name

Joel 3:9-10
Proclaim this among the nations:
“ Prepare for war!
Wake up the mighty men, ...
Let the weak say, ‘I am strong.’”

On my own, i am weak,
but with God, and only with God, i can boldly proclaim that i am strong..

my help comes from you and you alone...
hold my hands, don't ever let go
for you are the hope in my life

unpredictable

Somebody I know for about 7 years passed away two days ago.

She succumbed to depression and ended her own life, jumping off a 12-storey building,

nobody knowing what went on her mind then.

Here is a girl whose face was constantly donned with a smile.

I can still remember how she would greet me with her infectious smile that would brighten anyone's gloomiest day.

And I do not even have a picture of her.

I questioned my input in her life.

I have seen quite a few students' death, but those did not affect me as much as this one.

I guess, having seen her in church from day 1 makes the difference.

I am feeling very sorry,

that I hadn't done anything more significant besides giving her hugs,

that I didn't follow through her spiritual walk despite her being one high functioning student in my zone,

that I cut off interactions with her in recent years and overlooked the seriousness of her depression.

It wasn't a very strong relationship I had with her.

In fact, I do not form strong relationship with JAMs students...

But she was one student close to my heart.

Death is unpredictable, but not unexpected...

Even as I mourn for the loss of this one student, I am reminded of the vulnerability of the people around me - those who constantly struggle with depression, those who live their lives without their friends or even themselves understanding them..

I'm failing the past vision..

I like to be one who can fill the gap and to be the shelter.

Yet..

Let it overflow once again...

immediate reply

Oh yes..
I received a reply to the previous post within one hour.

In the reply there was the boat in the middle of an ocean,
a lone boat.

Then the storm approached and the boat was tossed to and fro.
It was all gloomy... and scary

until he spoke peace.
and the sky cleared immediately.
and peace there was.

It amazes me
to know how much i am loved
despite my faithlessness.

与君作战.
that's when the weak becomes strong once again.

With Christ in the vessel i can smile at the storm,
as i go sailing home.

Feel free to board the boat and join in the sail
=)

乱想

近来好象有点忙碌.
有很多思绪, 经验, 感想, 等等...
没有机会好好的记录下来.
也没有把它们扩大, 或更深入地用它们来激发自己.

少了机会与朋友分享.
说是结交了新朋友; 但感觉上还没机会打好基础, 让自己更适应对方, 就得各自忙碌.
有点可惜.
很想更深入地靠近去, 却有个疑问...
需要多少空间?

anyway...
好象比较"寂寞"了一点.
不是emo类的寂寞.
可能是比较难用文字让别人理解自己现阶段的状况.
有那种孤军作战的感觉.
这对我来说还ok...
毕竟向来都如此.
可是, 除了一睡, 该有更好的战术/战友吧..

轮到你了.

Blackout

Blackout today.
Kinda scary.. especially since I have not really started exerting myself this year.
I figure it is the long day + lack of sleep yesterday.

Woke up at 6.30 am to jog - when I was through, I thought my brain would explode because of the lack of oxygen.
Had night class, and thereafter attended a funeral wake.
By the time I reached home, it was almost 1 am. Argggh..

Yea.. So the blackout.
Felt numb in the body and stuffy in the chest.
A tightness of the brain.
A splitting headache.
Thank God i found a seat in time to rest the body.

I think I could finally empathize with Sun Wu Kong.
Maybe it is the hat that I wore for that split second this afternoon.
Did someone put the "jin gu" in the hat!!!???

Waaaaa...
Stop chanting! =p